I Won't Say It
by Cosy-Little-Crow
Summary: Haruhi navigates her love life, her identity, and eventually her gender as she goes into her final year at Ouran and beyond. Hikaru works on being open to others. Kaoru helps bring the two closer together. Abandoned
1. Chapter 1

"For the last time, Tamaki! We Can't just run off together and live in some fantasy world. That's not how this works!" Haruhi paced back and forth outside the huge mansion Tamaki had purchased with the remainder of his trust fund.

"I mean, do you even think anymore? I still have a year left before university, and that's four years at least. I can't just drop everything and move in here with you. And that's another thing. This place is HUGE. You know I don't want to live like this."

Haruhi's voice lowered a bit, and she caught Tamaki's hand in hers. Tamaki was trying to seem angry, but she could see his eyes glistening. "Look, I know you love me, and you were my first love, but maybe what we want in life is just too different? You want this pretty fairytale princess that will flit from place to place with you and let you spoil her and that's just not who I am."

He sniffled.

She sighed softly and gently took his other hand. "Tamaki, you know I love you. I'm always going to love you. But it shouldn't be like this, so hard. This relationship is taking a toll on both of us. My grades are slipping, and I haven't seen you with Kyoya or the twins in months. Don't you miss them? And the host club? "

Tamaki was sobbing by now and he wrapped his arms around Haruhi and buried his face in her shoulder.

"I just- I thought we'd always be together Haru, y'know? I've already planned our entire wedding. Right down to the last detail." He said pulling back. Haruhi was tearing up by now.

"I never even thought I'd date anyone. I didn't care about anything but my dad and my studies. You got me to make friends, real friends. That's something I think only you could do." Her face breaks into a smile even through her tears.

"Besides, I'll still be here for an entire year. We'll see each other almost every day. You're still one of the best friends I could ask for."

Tamaki blows his nose with a delicately embroidered handkerchief and gives her a small smile. "Well, you're right about that."

~~~

A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. Please let me know what you think. -Natty


	2. Chapter 2

As it turns out, Haruhi and Tamaki wouldn't get to see one another every day. A few months after the breakup, Tamaki sold the house for almost double what he paid and transferred to a school in France, with Kyoya moving as well. He didn't trust Tamaki to take care of himself.

After all, the breakup had been the driving force to his move. He desperately missed his mother, and he was having trouble seeing Haruhi without wanting to die. He still sent her letters sporadically and promised to visit. And Kyoya sent biweekly updates between early college courses and preparing to buy out some business Haruhi never quite remembered the name of.

Haruhi had managed to get her grades back up, and without the host club, she was able to work part time. She'd gone back to basically only seeing her dad and occasionally spending time with Honey and Mori. Hikaru had tried to get her to join them often at first, but after about a month, had gotten angry and told her he didn't need her anymore. Kaoru still came by every week, but she always claimed to be busy. He still kept trying though.

Haruhi was sitting in the library for the fifth lunch straight when she was startled into knocking half her books into a pile on the floor by Kaoru plopping down next to her. Kaoru locked eyes with her before shoving the rest onto the ground and grabbing her hand. He pulled her up out of her seat and gave her a mischievous smile.

"HEY! What are you doing?! I'm trying to study. Let. Go." She huffed out, trying to shake him loose.

Kaoru grabbed her messenger bag and the shoved the floor books into them before leading her out the door and down the hallway. "We're going to lunch. You've been sitting in there every day instead of eating. You're isolating again. I miss you. Even Hikaru misses you, and I'm sure Ryoji's worried."

Haruhi opened her mouth to protest, but Kaoru just pressed a finger to her lips and tutted. "Don't bother trying to get out of it. You need the break. Besides, I already made reservations."

Haruhi begrudgingly followed Kaoru to a surprisingly cosy restaurant nearby. After all, he was right. She needed a break. And she was so fucking hungry. If she was being perfectly honest, she had missed him a little bit, too. Before Tamaki, She'd been out on a date with each of the twins.

Hikaru had been awful at first, but ever since that afternoon, he had actually begun considering others. Kaoru had actually made things fun, and she hadn't been pressured to take part in some extravagant outing like Tamaki used to do. They just walked through a local open-air market, and she had fun watching how amazed Kaoru was by the simplest things.

Even now, she could feel herself relaxing as they ate together and caught up. How is it, she wondered, that she hadn't realized how much she missed having a friend?

~~~

A/N: Well, that's the end of chapter 2. Let me know what you think. Don't forget to rate and follow the story. -Natty


	3. Chapter 3

Hikaru shifted uncomfortably in his seat and sighed as Honey dug into his third piece of cake. Mori slid the remainder of the cake toward Hikaru. "Here."

"I already told you, I don't like chocolate. Kaoru does." He just barely resisted the urge to shove it onto the ground and storm off. Why did he have to be nice again? He didn't care if they liked him. He didn't care if Tamaki or Kyoya or even Haruhi liked him. He only needed Kaoru, but Kaoru didn't seem to need him as much anymore. That's why he was pushing Hikaru to spend more time with other people. Pushing him on someone else so even he could leave, just like all the rest.

He was pulled from his thoughts by Honey's concerned voice. "Is everything okay, Hika-Chan? You look mad."

"I'm fine. Shut up and eat your cake." Hikaru cut a huge slice and shoved two forkfuls into his mouth at once. "Shee? Mm fingh." He finished the cake in a few more bites and gathered his stuff.

"I'm going to find Kaoru before class." He was out of the room before Honey could say anything. He pulled out his phone and opened the app that let him track his brother's phone. He followed the app down the stairs and to the door of an empty classroom. He could hear soft voices, and then a boom of laughter from Kaoru. He pushed the door open and locked eyes with his twin.

Kaoru had his arm wrapped low on another boy's waist, his other hand interlaced with the shorter boy's, mid dip. The boy's head tipped back and their eyes widened. It wasn't just some boy Kaoru had charmed into who knows what. He was alone in a classroom with Haruhi. Arms wrapped around her, still holding her mid dip. Hikaru turned on his heel and Kaoru nearly dropped Haruhi to chase after him. "Hikaru! Hikaru, wait! It's not what you- WAIT!"

The door slammed behind Hikaru and when Kaoru entered the hallway, his brother was out of sight. 


	4. Chapter 4

Hikaru had successfully avoided Kaoru for the remainder of the day. He hadn't even shown up for their shared classes. Tracking had been turned off on his phone, and he wasn't answering calls or texts. He did reply to Haruhi's apology text telling her not to speak to him ever again. He was tired of everything being taken away from him, all because of Haruhi.

He had loved her since that first date, though he didn't understand his feelings at the time. He just knew Tamaki's infatuation and Kaoru's incessant flirting caused a tight knot of anger to form in the pit of his stomach. And when her "friend" confessed his crush, Hikaru was jealous. He could never just tell someone like that. He knew nothing would come of it when Kaoru asked Haruhi for a date the next week. She was already fighting feelings for Tamaki.

The more time Haruhi and Tamaki spent together, the less time they spent at the host club. Without him, they lost a lot of their clientele and Kyoya was forced to dismantle the club. Kaoru joined the basketball team, and Kyoya left with Tamaki. Honey and Mori went off doing whatever, often having tea and cake with girls during lunch. Hikaru didn't have anything to take part in. He watched his brother practice after school, and ate lunch with Honey and Mori when Kaoru wasn't around, but he mostly kept to himself.

When Kaoru got home, Hikaru's side of the room was empty. He had spent the entire afternoon moving all of his things into one of the eight unused guest rooms they had at home. He leaned back against the headboard in the center of his bed, headphones blaring and eyes closed. Around him, a collection of open textbooks, his laptop balanced on top of them, and a notebook filled with messier-than-usual handwriting. Kaoru stepped forward and put a gentle hand on Hikaru's shoulder.

Hikaru's eyes snapped open, and he grabbed Kaoru's arm before he could register who it was in front of him. "Sorry, I wasn't trying to startle you. I just came to talk."

Hikaru looked down at his homework, staring through the page. "I have homework to do." He says, picking up his pen and carelessly scrawling another sentence.

"I know you're upset, but this is ridiculous. Haruhi and I are friends. She needed to get out of her own head for a while and I-" Kaoru was interrupted by Hikaru's music being turned up to a deafening volume. He reached forward and slammed the laptop shut, causing his brother to look up with a start.

"What do you want from me, Kaoru? I thought you wanted us to do things on our own, so that's what I'm fucking doing. I don't care what you do with Haruhi. But she's just going to drive you away, and you're going to leave me behind like everyone else anyway." He was yelling now, but Kaoru could hear the tightness in his throat from trying not to cry.

"I miss him too, you know. Even Kyoya...sort of. But this isn't Haruhi's fault. You know Tamaki is impulsive, especially when he's hurting. He had the opportunity to see his mom again, and he took it. Wouldn't anyone? Think about it Hikaru." Kaoru flopped down next to his brother, shoving books and papers out of the way. "He was the first person to really try and get us to open up to others."

Hikaru turned toward his twin, resting the side of his head on Kaoru's. "But if SHE hadn't broken up with him, everyone would still be here. We'd still all be together. This isn't fair, Kaoru!"

Neither boy moved for quite a long time, just taking in the feeling of being in the same room together "I'm not like you. Everyone I get attached to leaves, and I'm just stuck here. So I don't make friends. People don't like me and I don't like them."

Kaoru pulled himself up to sit at the edge of the bed, turning his head toward his twin. "You know that's not true. Everyone tries so hard to be friends with you, especially Haruhi. You just have to open up a little. And think about how they feel, too. I'll be in our room if you need me."

Kaoru walked out, leaving the door slightly askew. Hikaru shoved the books off his bed and flopped back, staring at the ceiling. Was he really pushing everyone away, or were they just tired of his personality? If she had just chosen him, none of this would have happened. Was it because of the date? He fixed everything, but still Kaoru never let it go. Was he really still disregarding the feelings of others?


	5. Chapter 5

p style="margin-bottom: 0in;"At 4:07am Kaoru awoke to the loud scrape of Hikaru's bedframe being dragged down the hallway. He knew it was his brother's bedframe scratching the delicate hardwood flooring because this had happened every time they got in a fight like this. Usually it'd take a few days for Hikaru to cool down enough, and he'd move back in during the night. Kaoru would pretend to be asleep, and Hikaru would move back in 'undetected.' When the door opened, Kaoru tried to stay still and quiet. Suddenly, he felt the bed dip. br /br /"I know you're awake. You're always awake. Nobody could sleep through this." He said, letting himself fall back onto Kaoru's pillow. His twin turned his head, letting their cheeks almost meet. "I'm sorry, you know. For yesterday. And now. For waking you up. I just- I miss you, okay? This is hard for me. And you have it so easy!" br /br /Kaoru sat up, crawling over his brother to get to the bedframe abandoned in the doorway. "Get up and help me move this." He stumbled across the frame and out into the hall. Hikaru grabbed the edge of the frame and they lifted in unison. br /br /"It's not easy for me either, y'know. I have friends, and Haruhi, and you, but don't you think it hurts seeing you struggle and not interfering? We depended on each other for so long, we didn't have anyone else. Then The Boss came along, and we had him, and the whole Host Club to go along with him. When the club disbanded and he left, I wanted to give up, too. Go back to just us. But I couldn't stand the thought of us-of you going back to being that lonely. I just-" br /br /By now, the frame was moved, and they had gotten the mattress and blankets and pillows. Hikaru was already back in bed, and Kaoru was still talking. "I get your point, now would you stop talking and go back to sleep, Kaoru." Kaoru laughed and rolled over in bed. "Night Hikaru." br /br /Hikaru listened to the deep even breathing of his twin as he drifted back to sleep. Maybe he had a point? They had each other, but their childhood had been a lonely one. Repeated dissapointments, no one really caring to get to know them. Even Tamaki didn't get to know them as individuals, thogh that was partly their fault. They never let the other out of sight. How could he. br /br /But still, somehow Haruhi did. Haruhi could always tell them apart, right from the start. She watched them. She learned their quirks, their likes and dislikes. She talked to them like they were separate people. She made them separate people. Haruhi was probably the first person Hikaru had loved enough to be without his twin for a while. And he got just as jealous over her as with Kaoru. Even with The Boss, he'd been so jealous and angry. So maybe, he should give her another chance? And maybe his friends, too? After all, they were still here. They hadn't left, even when he left them. br /br /Tomorrow, he would try. For real this time. With that, he allowed his thoughts to disperse as he drifted off to sleep. /p 


End file.
